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I came across this video on MySpace, titled, "If you watch this 100 times you will still laugh", I'm on 10... still laughing.

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Civil Resolution: Be Fat, Be Happy

As a relatively consistent gym-goer, every January marks the beginning of a new routine and an annoyingly crowded gym. The crowd, of course comes mostly from workout resolutionaries, i.e., people, who for the New Year decide to go to the gym, or for whatever particular reason. I'm certainly not against anyone's desire to get in shape, or improving their health, in fact, my problem with resolutionaies is their mistaken and often mislead (usually not their fault) belief that by being at the gym, they will easily get the results they want.

In an effort to help keep gyms around the U.S. (and Canada) empty, I'm going to present 2 alternatives for resolutionaries thinking about joining a gym this January. Because frankly, if you're joining a gym on a January, I'm 98% certain you’re the type of person not really into going to a gym or being part of the gym culture.

Alternative #1: Be active, be happy

Real gyms don't look like a Bally's commercials. In fact, a Bally's gym doesn't look like a Bally's commercial. Inside these high-end gyms, only 15% of the people in there are really working out, while the other 85% are too well-dressed, smell too nice, or aren't 100% focused on their routine. It's a fashion show, and comparable to being at Bay Side High School, i.e., all the people are white, thin, and a tall blond kid and a some Mexican are always playing pranks on a balding man by one of the treadmills. Being at the gym is not fun; it's arduous, painful (when done properly), redundant, smelly... I guess what I'm trying to say is that the gym is not for everyone.

If you know beforehand that this is not something/someplace you want to be part of 5 days a week before and/or after 8 hours at work, don't waste your $550. Let me explain something to you that you probably do not know. People with great bodies (not me) will all tell you that they achieved what they did by eating well, and NOT with what they did at the gym. The percentage usually thrown around is 80% diet, 20% exercise (while some even put diet at 90%, and exercise at a measly 10%).

Think about that for a second. 80% diet!

And being on a diet does not mean eating less, it means eating healthy and more often. Information on dieting is available everywhere, so I'm not going to recommend any books (cough body for life cough cough) because 1) people already know what they should and should not be eating, and 2) there is so much information available online for free (consider bodybuilding.com), so spending any more money above $550 would be plain wasteful.

So ask yourself, is $550 worth 20% of the progress you may (or may not) make at the gym? Is $550 worth the effort of going to the gym 5 days a week? Is $550 worth being in a place you don't want to be- and sober no less!? The gym and working out is a means to an end, and that end is to burn calories by putting stress on your body. You can accomplish this one gazillion different ways (rough estimate). Swimming, tennis, running, dancing, boxing, climbing, rugby, basketball, yoga, and soccer are just a handful of examples. Not only are all of these means to get you in shape, they're all more dynamic and far less redundant.

So without appearing rudely intrusive, let me suggest to you want you should do with that $550. Spend

1. $50 on a new pair of sneakers (great motivator),
2. $150 on swimming lessons,
3. $175 on a used bike and helmet,
4. $75 on salsa lessons,
5. and $100 on new clothes, because you WILL be losing weight.

Alternative #2: Be fat, be happy

No one's probably ever said to you, "Hey, just be fat, dude", because no one else is you. If you're happy with where you're at, than be where you are at. If you're not, then go ahead and work towards change. However, before you make that move, let me give you my top 3 reasons for staying fat.

3. HAPPINESS: Once you get over the reality that you'll never marry Elizabeth Hurley (guys) or Brad Pitt (ladies), and that you'll never be on MTV's Real World, being fat is a lot easier.

If you are less happy eating a veggie club sandwich at Subway than a Big Mac, why torture yourself? Why should you "willingly" make yourself unhappy? That's in line with suicide! Everyone knows Big Macs taste better! Plus, this is America! And in America, we're all about free speech, tasty food, individualism, over-indulging and rigged elections. In here, you can be whoever or whatever you want to be, so be that person- and f*** everyone else (if you let the opinions of others matter- the terrorist win).

2. MASCULINITY: (**This one only applies to men.***) In Western cultures, a man is seen as more masculine in relation to the amount of space he takes up, while with women, the inverse applies. That is, being thin, walking with your arms close, and sitting with your legs crossed are markers of femininity. So if you're a man, being fat is like the ultimate sign of masculinity, and we all know this. Very slim men are frequently confused for being homosexual, while large men are hardly ever accidentally confused with being gay. If you're a man, by being big you're only doing what you need to do to be what you were born to be- a masculine man. By going to the gym and losing weight you're putting your masculinity in jeopardy. Are you willing to deal with people confusing you for Clay Aiken?

1. EARLY DEATH: You've probably heard a gazillion times (rough estimate) that being overweight leads to fatal diseases and illnesses. But with overpopulation becoming a huge problem in America, choosing to die early is not only a generous thing to offer to the tomorrow's children, it is worthy of martyrdom.

A "martyr" is defined as "a person who is put to death or endures great suffering on behalf of any belief, principle, or cause", your cause here being your willingness to overindulge your body's systems so that you can die early (because actually killing yourself is sacrilege in most religions) and make the lives of people around you more spacious. Furthermore, who wants to live past 50 years old anyway? Do you think the future is going to be filled with awesome things?

Please.

Let me briefly describe the future to you: global warming, bad television, wars, white presidents, sexism, racism, bell bottoms, and several Friday the 13th sequels- all in that order. (And for overweight Catholics, keep in mind that by making smart donations and doing some volunteer work, your martyrdom can possibly lead to canonization.)

So resolutionaries, there’s options. There’s a reason gym commercials play heavily in December and January, and at night- they’re trying to catch you while you’re watching television with food in your mouth. But, if you’re not home (because you’re following alternative #1) or you just don’t care (thanks to alternative #2), you’re doing your part to keep gyms empty for the 15%-ers, while also doing you’re part to make the most important person in your life happy- you.

NO MORE CLUBBING (It's come this)

Let me just say it quickly, I HATE CLUBBING. I seriously hate it. Clubbing compounds so many things that I dislike, that it's aggregate equals absolute hatred.

Let me explain.

LINES: I dislike lines. I have no patience for lines. Why do we have lines in America?! This is THE most anti-socialist nation in the world, there should be no lines for necessities like bread, milk, McDonald's, and especially for non-essentials like getting on a ride (hint to those planning Six Flags trips) or entering a club. The truth is, at least its been my experience, lines to enter a club are a control-mechanism to turn away certain groups/people. The use of lines at a club, theoretically than, faciliates sexism/racism or some other form of bias-ism. LINES ARE WRONG. *Martin Luther King, Jr. was oppose lines! *Gandhi was oppose lines! The *United States Constitution is oppose lines! (*In essence.)

CROWDS: I dislike crowds. As I've become older, this has become sort of a problem. While I don't think it's anywhere near some-phobic level, I do get uncomfortable in crowds, like a sweating-anxiousness (if you can relate). I can tolerate crowds, but I can also tolerate sweaty farts to my face. However, if I have a choice, I'd prefer neither. (Also, I really dislike sweating.)

DANCING: I dislike dancing. Well, not completely, but I hate being forced to do it. When I feel like dancing, I'll fucking dance okay! Dammit.

USELESS SPENDING: I dislike wasting money. Call me "frugal", "cheap", and/or a "miser", I don't care, especially when on the topic of clubbing. I'm not rich, shit, I'm hardly not homeless, so money in my life is important. Also, after reading "Rich Dad, Poor Dad", I've begun to see my money in terms of time worked. So the formula in my head is always, "how many hours did I work to pay for this(?), i.e., X (hours worked ) equals Y (dollars earned), Z (money spent): Z/Y = HOURLY VALUE.

A night clubbing can cost as much as $175 (this includes entering a club, at least 6 drinks, and a taxi ride to and from the club), which given my current pay-rate will equal 12.5 hours worked. So, to put it plainly, I will have worked nearly 1 day and a half for a measly few hours of entertainment. Sorry, I don't see the value.

But Ed, I've seen you have fun at clubs. Also, clubbing is about being with friends and having fun. If you don't want to buy drinks, you don't have to.

You're right, you have seen me have fun at clubs, but there's two reasons why I have fun at clubs, the first reason is cranberry, and the second reason is Grey Goose. Being drunk can make you forget about a lot of things, like, perhaps when you're somewhere you don't want to be.

And in response to your second point: yes, I know that clubbing is more about having fun with friends, but fun is a subjective concept. There are a lot of things I find more funnner than clubbing, for instance, going to the gym. Would you appreciate me pressing you to go the gym? Huh, fat-ass?

Furthermore, as FRIENDS, you should understand (or at least respect) my specific distastes; like when I decide not to see a good scary movie b/c someone still has trouble understanding the difference between fiction (Freddy Krueger) and reality (Robert Englund, the actor who plays Freddy Krueger).

So, today, July 7th, 2006- I am officially declaring myself a NON-CLUBBER.

What does that mean?

That means, no more clubbing for me. Period. For a while I made the exception to go out for special occasions, going forward however, I will not. I love you all, but I love the idea of never being on a line to get into a room I don't want to be in a lot better. A lot lot better.

The Grass Is Always Greener ...

(Its because of situations like the one I'm going to describe I decided to start a blog.)

In NYC the weirdest shit happens to people, all people. But its not until you look at the situation objectively and with a sense of humor can you really appreciate how ridiculous the people around you are.

On Friday night, my friend and I went to the movies, we saw "Shopgirl". Shopgirl w/your guy friend you ask? Well, on Friday nights in Manhattan you rarely see what you want to see at the theatres- you see only what's available.

Now while the movie itself wasn't "that great", I must say that as a hetero male, I don't recommend seeing this movie with another hetero male. Its hard to keep the post-movie discussion hetero after seeing a story about a girl moving from Vermont to LA, who in her path to become a successful artist has to deal with the struggles and joys of falling in love with an older rich man, but ultimately finds the "love" she was looking for from a hairy maladroit, who at that(!) learned how to treat women "properly" from a rack load of self-help audio recordings. It should be no surprise than, that after almost 2 hours of holding back tears, my friend and I decided to do the manliest thing two single guys can do... we looked for a bar that sold BIG burgers.

Now here is the story I wanted to tell.

After dinner I hit the restroom. This restaurant/bar is one of those places where you don't expect there to be a large restroom, maybe just one urinal and one toilet, so when I opened the door, I did so cautiously. As I opened the door I see that the urinal is occupied, but before I noticed that there was an unoccupied urinal right next to him (as well as a toilet), I say, "I’m sorry". This is of course, because I initially thought I was intruding.

As I walked in, the guy turns to me and says, "Dude, you don't have to say you're sorry, it's not like you saw my pecker. Did you see my pecker?" Feeling awkward, I smirked, and replied that I did not see his pecker, but apologized b/c I thought there was only one urinal in here and that I may have been intruding. I don't remember exactly what he said after that, but it was some sort of an acceptance of my apology.

Now, before I even had the chance to think about open faucets, waterfalls and Mountain Dew, the guy (who's white in case you didn't get that from when he called me "dude" or when he referred to his penis as a “pecker”) turns to me again and says, "I bet you if we both pulled out our peckers, yours would be bigger than mine." I quickly faced this guy surprised, but maintaining my smirk and said something like, "I'm not even going to try and answer that". However, he continued, "Dude! I know that yours would be bigger than mine, because you've got dark skin, and I’m white. I know you guys with dark skin have got big peckers." Now while this may be true, it certainly doesn't justify the request. So I replied, again with a smirk, "I'm definitely not pulling out my pecker. And son, it doesn't matter that dark skinned people [may] have bigger peckers, at least you white guys get better jobs." And as if he was prepared for that reply, he immediately said, "A good job doesn't matter! A big pecker is what the girls want." I looked down at my pecker, still unable to pee, and said, "Not the girls I've met."

As he walked away from the urinal he kept going on and on, "dark guys", "big peckers", "girls", blah blah. One minute had to have passed and I still hadn't relieved myself, so I gave up. As I walked towards the faucet, a friend of the white-pecker-guy comes out of the toilet and apologizes for his friend. I tell him it's okay, I mean the guy was obviously drunk. So I leave the restroom, walk out the restaurant with my friend, and promptly recapped the awkward restroom moment I had just had.

I think about the situation, and wonder if I should be mad at this guy? Should I have walked in w/my 50 Cent face and attempted to intimidate this guy? Or maybe, should I have not held that smirk for so long (which possibly encouraged him)? But than I think, is there any better way to end my first male-male date than to have received a compliment on my pecker?

Probably not.